We’re Coming Out! Again… and Again… and Again…

I think most people outside of the LGBTQ+ community think of coming out as a one-time thing – one day we wake up and announce we are gay, or trans, or bi, and then we move on with our lives.

The reality is, we never stop coming out because the default assumption in our society is predicated on heteronormativity and cisnormativity. Everyone assumes I am straight until I tell them otherwise. Every single time I come out, I weigh the consequences of a particular situation.

Sometimes, it’s just easier to let people assume I have a husband when they see my wedding band – I don’t always have the mental energy to make the correction. However, there are certainly times I feel safer letting people make that assumption. Keep in mind hate crimes against the LGBTQ+ community (particularly trans women of color) are on the rise, and in over 30 states you can be fired from your job or denied services for being out.

Most times, I am very open about being married to a woman. I recognize the relative safety and privilege that comes with being white women living in the Northeast, and by being out and visible, Kendra and I can support those who do not have that luxury. 

Having kids elevated coming out to a new level – now they have to come out too. Over and over and over again. Because every time a kid, or teacher, or random adult assumes my kids have a mom and a dad, they have to decide whether or not to correct them. What is amazing to me is the lack of stress or concern that seems to come with my kids’ coming out. They unflinchingly correct people, regardless of the social setting or context, loudly stating, “we don’t have a dad, we have two moms!” Their bravery astounds and inspires me.

For the most part, people have been gentle and kind to my kids. But that time will end. Addison had a taste of it this year when several kids at school made fun of her for having, “gay moms.” It was the first time she’d ever felt that people might have a problem with her having two moms. She cried, and I cried, knowing I cannot fix this for her. I worry that the pride she has in our family has been dimmed. That the next time someone makes an assumption about her family, she will be afraid to correct them. I can only hope that she never feels shamed into silence, like so many of us LGBTQ+ folks have over the years.

But regardless of how I feel, ultimately, it will be up to each of our kids to decide how and when they come out about their moms. Because coming out isn’t a cookie-cutter process.

Coming out is personal.

It’s political.

It’s easy.

It’s hard.

It can be life-changing.

It can cost you your life.

Sometimes it’s miserable, or terrifying, but other times, thankfully, it’s hilarious.

And one thing is for certain, coming out is never done.

I wrote this post for LGBTQ Families Day 2019. Check out Mombian.com for posts from other bloggers, or to share your own! 

You can also read my posts from past years:

• Living With Pride in Trump’s America (2018)
• The Rolling Tide of LGBTQ Rights: Parenting with Uncertainty (2017)
• The Donor Talk: When Kids Have a Sperm Donor (2016)
• An Open Letter to Medical Professionals from a Lesbian Mom (2015)
• Blogging for LGBTQ Families 2014: We’re an Ordinary Two-Mom Family
• 2013 Blogging for LGBT Families Day: Getting Creative
• Blogging for LGBT Families Day 2012 – A Non-Bio Mom’s wish…
• 6th Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day! (2011)